| I was born in Pennsylvania on September 10, 1968 and spent most of my childhood years in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Through my life I endured some abuse; I was molested and raped by a male acquaintance of my mother's at age 5; verbally & physically abused by my brother from ages 7 to 17 and sexually abused from 11 to 13; and raped twice by my aunts husband at age 19. I firmly believe that due to the abuse and sexual violence, it led me into a path of destructive behavior and a life of utter confusion and feelings of inadequacy and later resulted in dealing with many problems. As early as 7 years old I struggled with feelings of abandonment, low self-esteem, anger, fear and hatred toward men. As a pre-teen I had become self destructive, was in and out of therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong desires to be a boy, and often dressed as a boy. As I entered my teen years, I experienced a sexual identity crisis, battled with self-destructive behavior, developed Anorexia and Bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the United States Marine Corp. By early adulthood I was cutting, stabbing and burning specific parts of my body, was hospitalized for an eating disorder, in psychiatric hospitals, diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and mental disorders, dealt with suicidal tendencies and had numerous suicide attempts. By age 25 I was leading a homosexual lifestyle (which actively began at age 15), had brief involvement with a gang, had been caught up in various unhealthy relationships, had an abortion, claimed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was taking 17 pills daily of psychotherapeutic medication, had skin graph surgery on both forearms due to self-inflicted 3rd degree burns (1, 5" scar & 1, 4" scar from 3rd degree burns), accumulated over 250 scars from self inflicted injuries, had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. As I approached 27 years old, I was exasperated and felt as though I was just existing and taking up space. It seemed that whatever I tried that it was only good for a few hours, a day, sometimes a couple days if I got "lucky". I was at a point in my life where although I didn't know how to go about it, I was looking for my life to change. Even though I thought I had tried everything possible to get better, oddly enough I was still open for suggestions. One Sunday in March of 1995 I was invited to a church service and reluctantly went. It was my first time in over 15 years and it wasn't like any church I had ever been to! From the moment of stepping through the doors, I sensed something different. I remember sensing such love and peace, although I honestly thought it would be over once she left. I really was not quite sure what my beliefs were, mainly Agnostic, as I spent most of my life blaming God or questioning God why all this happened. I was at a point in my life where I was not ready to be let down again. All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn't remember ever feeling so much peace like that before. And I knew the calmness and peacefulness I was feeling was real. I have never taken anything that ever made me feel so calm before. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I knew it had to be something real. Within days of going to that church, I noticed that I had a little peace and the negative desires were not as strong as the usually were. Even though I felt calmer, I wasn't quite ready to give God the credit. I wasn't even sure if I believed in God. I was uncertain of my beliefs and not sure if I was ready for God as I spent most of my life blaming and questioning God why all this happened to me. After going to that church I knew there was something different, but couldn't figure out what it was. I remember looking up as if I was talking to God and asked Him to be real to me. I noticed that I had peace, the anxiety wasn't as strong, the urges to harm herself were lighter and I was able to think a little bit clearer. Perhaps to an outsider that may seem so small of a change, however, for someone like me, it was a big thing just to see a change. It was at that moment that I knew for a fact that God was real! A few weeks later I bought a Bible, "challenged" God and my life has never been the same! What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking! With the love and mercy of God, I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future. I forgave every person that harmed me, which was key to my healing. I have completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area! I am no longer in therapy, no more medication, no disorders of any kind! It is my hope that you will come to the realization that you can overcome anything in your life, as nothing is hopeless! Whatever you have gone through or may be facing right now, you can get through it just like I did and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for YOU! You may say, "I don't believe in God", that's okay, it does not stop God from believing in you! THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF EndAllThePain.com The original purpose of EndAllThePain.com was to provide a variety of resources for every person to discover how to overcome whatever q person is struggling with by coming to the root of the problem. I believe that a person will then be able to go forward, living the life intended for you! I believe that every person can learn how to overcome whatever they are struggling or battling with and will be able to focus on going forward in life. Your situation may seem very big to you, or you may think that it is very small and that it will eventually just go away. There is nothing too big or too small for God to handle! Many of the problems that a person may be facing is a result of their way of coping with something. Their "problem" may actually be their coping mechanism. (eating disorder, self-injury, drug addiction, etc.) Your situation may seem very big to you, or you may think that it is very small and that it will eventually just go away. There is nothing too big or too small for God to handle! Many of the problems that a person may be facing is a result of their way of coping with something. Their "problem" may actually be their coping mechanism. (eating disorder, self-injury, drug addiction, etc.) For example, Vicki began to show anorexic behavior, she controlled the amount of food that went into her body & it became a sense of control over her life. She felt that it was her answer to keeping things together. However, although anorexia is problematic, anorexia was not the problem -- there was an underlying issue, a reason as to why she became anorexic. The challenge here is to find out what the issue is; then you will be able to come to terms with it. It seems that dealing with the "real problem", the "real issue" is what makes people run. Sometimes the real problem can be something from the past that has been buried for such a long time that the person may not even realize there is a real problem. Although Anorexia, Bulimia, Self-Injury, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, etc., are problematic in themselves, they are all symptoms of a deeper problem, or an outward manifestations of an inward problem. The bottom line: in order to go forward you do not need to spend your lifetime in your past – yes it may need to be dealt with, but not over and over – simply finally make a decision to deal with the exact problem. By doing that, you will be able you to go forward. In order to go forward, you must make a decision that you are going to face "the real problem". Until you make the decision to deal with the real problem, you could spend many years going in circles. Basically, a life of a yo-yo. One day up, the next day down…up and down, some days good, others bad. You may even start to say “At least it is not as bad as it used to be”, or “It will always be this way, things can never get better”. The thing is that it can get better and you don't have to accept the circumstances you are in! Another way of going in circles is bouncing from one surface issue to another. For example: Anorexia develops; have it for 2 years, then get into drugs for a year; with still no handle on the anorexia, although you think you are in control, then discover that drugs don't work and then accidentally or purposely cut yourself. Somehow you get a “rush” and think that cutting helps the internal pain, then cut for 2 to 3 years, hiding your body from all who can see. Then you deal with the mood swings, and realize cutting gets out of control and go toward drinking, etc. It becomes life like a yo-yo. It is a vicious cycle of up & down, back & forth, and side to side. That is not a good way to live. You can spend many years going in circles, even backwards because you never get to the root of the problem. Until the root is destroyed, it will keep growing and growing, getting worse and never going away. Once you get to the root, it can be pulled up & destroyed & forever out of your life! GOING FORWARD: Let's say you were in the driver's seat of a vehicle driving on a road. Usually when a person drives, the person glances at the rear-view mirror every so often to make sure all is well behind them. If you spent all your time staring in the rear-view mirror what would happen? Most likely you would eventually crash into what was in front of you. You would hit what was before you while staring at what is behind you. In order to go forward, make a decision that you are no longer going to run from the problem: be determined that you will no longer 'stare in the rear-view mirror while driving'. Once you make that decision to no longer stay in the past, you'll be able to face the real problem, deal with the situation and emotions that follow, and take the next step that will continue you to move forward. Not only will you find information on the above mentioned topics, but more importantly, you will find out how to overcome positively and to put an end to all of your pain, putting the past behind you and looking forward to a healthy future! No matter your circumstances, you can get through whatever you are facing, as nothing is impossible! You can begin to enjoy every day life. You can get through whatever you are facing -- YOU do have hope and a future! With God you can & will get through anything! |
Vicki's story, some excerpts from No More Pain! Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury
EndAllThePain.com
Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury
Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury
| The official website for Vicki F. Duffy Author - Inspiring Speaker - Advocate |
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