From a Mother's Perspective: "My Point of View"
This is an archive letter from Anna Lauria Frusco, the mother of Vicki F. Duffy. This letter was written by Anna to
parents and loved ones to help them with the issue of self-injury and suicide.
(Anna passed away and went home to be with the Lord on January 5, 2007).
I am Anna, the mother of Vicki who created this site, www.endallthepain.com. I would like to say a few words to the
parents of those that cause physical damage to their body as a coping mechanism. I would like to share a few words
to you from my perspective, as a parent of what it was like to watch my daughter hurt herself.
It's been quite a few years now, thank God, since Vicki's self destructive behavior. Part of my defense mechanism is to
bury all the bad memories, so bare with me folks, as I try to 'dig' them out! My very first reaction to all the horrible
memories is an unbelievable ache in my stomach and PAIN in my heart. Mostly pain, lots of pain, followed by much
more heartache.
Let me start by saying that I couldn't understand. I never heard of this before, I never heard of a person intentionally
hurting their own body. "Why would my beautiful child, my daughter, do this to herself?" I asked
parents and loved ones to help them with the issue of self-injury and suicide.
(Anna passed away and went home to be with the Lord on January 5, 2007).
I am Anna, the mother of Vicki who created this site, www.endallthepain.com. I would like to say a few words to the
parents of those that cause physical damage to their body as a coping mechanism. I would like to share a few words
to you from my perspective, as a parent of what it was like to watch my daughter hurt herself.
It's been quite a few years now, thank God, since Vicki's self destructive behavior. Part of my defense mechanism is to
bury all the bad memories, so bare with me folks, as I try to 'dig' them out! My very first reaction to all the horrible
memories is an unbelievable ache in my stomach and PAIN in my heart. Mostly pain, lots of pain, followed by much
more heartache.
Let me start by saying that I couldn't understand. I never heard of this before, I never heard of a person intentionally
hurting their own body. "Why would my beautiful child, my daughter, do this to herself?" I asked
| Hi, I'm Anna! |
myself. "Scarred for life?! Her perfect unblemished body that she was so lucky to be born with....WHY?" All the many, many questions I'm sure you
all are asking and dealing with now.
When my daughter began cutting herself, or actually I should say when I found out, she was an adult, so I couldn't be there 24 hours a day and 7
days a week. Nor could I help her as much as I would have liked to.
All I was able to do was talk with her as frequently as possible. I remember thinking, "This is such a hopeless situation; so helpless for me, and is
this EVER going to stop?!...Hospital after hospital, there has to be an end!"
All I knew was that my daughter was not herself, it seemed that something else took over in her life. I knew she was in pain, she must have been
in order to execute the damage that she did on her own body. There had to be an underlying reason as to what was going on, I just didn't know what
it was.
I've had my share of problems in life, as we all do, however, this was one of the major ones. As usual, my old pattern was to try and handle this
myself. Even though I have a very strong faith in God, I forgot who to call on first. So, when I realized this was out of my control, I turned Vicki over to
God. Whenever I thought of her and began to worry, I just kept lifting her up to God, which in some cases was 50 times a day!
It is sad to say, but it even got to the point where I was 'preparing' myself for that final phone call. I just kept saying "God, she is yours, she is in your
hands now." Of course my mind didn't want that, but in my heart I left it up to God. For some reason, all the years I've had painful experiences, I
have never blamed God. I have always believed everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it until some time down the road, or
ever.
Yes, it is overwhelming, shocking, and very disturbing for a parent to suddenly find this out. I never got angry with my daughter, however,
I shocked, sickened, puzzled and as upset, probably upset as you are right now. My daughter didn't seemingly care what she was doing. When I
asked her "Why are you doing this to yourself?" She replied, "I feel so badly on the inside, that physically hurting myself takes the inside pain away!"
I tried so hard to understand, (except her explanation) that, in time I started to understand the concept of her explanation.
At the time I found out what Vicki was doing, I had 10 years sobriety in a 12- step program. So, for me, I tried to do a parallel as to why people drink
and to why people intentionally harm their body. I realized that both had similarities—used to end the pain, the hidden pain INSIDE! When I tried to
compare to other addictions, I became aware that they were all cover-ups to some sort of underlying problem or pain.
So from that perspective I guess I understood a little better, even though I didn’t like it.
All the other addictions, even in this present day, seem to be heard about, known about, and this cutting is 'fairly new' and 'coming out of the closet’
because we are only now just hearing about it (news, TV, Internet, newspaper articles). It seems to be a hush hush thing that no one wants to talk
about, even parents. It is similar to how no body talked about anorexia and bulimia.
There is a shock factor to self-injury. The shock factor comes in when you literally see the cuts and burns. Think about it: socially drinking is
accepted.....and we hear about anorexia and bulimia.....drug abuse.....gambling....., but cutting is a separate entity that we were not familiar with.
There is a definite stigma attached to this, that people think "if anyone else God forbid found out". It still amazes me to this day, that now having 29
years in a 12-step program, that there is still a 'stigma' attached to alcoholism. In my opinion, people do not want to understand or accept the
disease of alcoholism. So, with that said, how in the world can we expect society to understand this new unveiling problem of a loved one causing
self-inflicted injuries on him/herself?
It is embarrassing, for us and to other people. We as parents think we have done something wrong and much to my amazement years later I
found out about the true underlying problems inside of Vicki. I guess what I am trying to stress to you is that there usually IS an underlying problem
causing your son or daughter to react to their internal pain. This is where you start looking for help for yourself and your son/daughter. Cutting and
burning (or whatever other self-inflicted pain they may do) is not something they are choosing to do, even though it seems like it, but in fact their
internal pain is caused by something else.
To be totally honest with you, there are no easy answers to helping your son or daughter through this. Although I don't have '10 easy steps to cure
your child', I can share my feelings and give you some suggestions of what I did:
1) Love your child.
Love him/her no matter what! This doesn't mean you are approving of their behavior, but just continue to love them and let them know you love and
care for them.
2) Always be there for your child day or night.
As exhausting, repetitious, heart-breaking, and exasperating as it can be, just be there for him/her! Be ready to listen.....LISTEN, not offer advice or
talk, but to really LISTEN to what they have to say.
3) Go for Counseling.
Get into therapy or counseling for yourself, to help you understand and deal with this, and as time goes on, get into family counseling.
4) Let Go and let God.
Let go of the situation...and pray! Praying works!
It is a long story, but my daughter is 100% better and living an amazing life now. She got through all of her issues and is a totally different person
than she was before. Parents, hang in there and don't give up! There IS hope, it does get better eventually.
My best wishes to you all,
Vicki's Mom, Anna
all are asking and dealing with now.
When my daughter began cutting herself, or actually I should say when I found out, she was an adult, so I couldn't be there 24 hours a day and 7
days a week. Nor could I help her as much as I would have liked to.
All I was able to do was talk with her as frequently as possible. I remember thinking, "This is such a hopeless situation; so helpless for me, and is
this EVER going to stop?!...Hospital after hospital, there has to be an end!"
All I knew was that my daughter was not herself, it seemed that something else took over in her life. I knew she was in pain, she must have been
in order to execute the damage that she did on her own body. There had to be an underlying reason as to what was going on, I just didn't know what
it was.
I've had my share of problems in life, as we all do, however, this was one of the major ones. As usual, my old pattern was to try and handle this
myself. Even though I have a very strong faith in God, I forgot who to call on first. So, when I realized this was out of my control, I turned Vicki over to
God. Whenever I thought of her and began to worry, I just kept lifting her up to God, which in some cases was 50 times a day!
It is sad to say, but it even got to the point where I was 'preparing' myself for that final phone call. I just kept saying "God, she is yours, she is in your
hands now." Of course my mind didn't want that, but in my heart I left it up to God. For some reason, all the years I've had painful experiences, I
have never blamed God. I have always believed everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it until some time down the road, or
ever.
Yes, it is overwhelming, shocking, and very disturbing for a parent to suddenly find this out. I never got angry with my daughter, however,
I shocked, sickened, puzzled and as upset, probably upset as you are right now. My daughter didn't seemingly care what she was doing. When I
asked her "Why are you doing this to yourself?" She replied, "I feel so badly on the inside, that physically hurting myself takes the inside pain away!"
I tried so hard to understand, (except her explanation) that, in time I started to understand the concept of her explanation.
At the time I found out what Vicki was doing, I had 10 years sobriety in a 12- step program. So, for me, I tried to do a parallel as to why people drink
and to why people intentionally harm their body. I realized that both had similarities—used to end the pain, the hidden pain INSIDE! When I tried to
compare to other addictions, I became aware that they were all cover-ups to some sort of underlying problem or pain.
So from that perspective I guess I understood a little better, even though I didn’t like it.
All the other addictions, even in this present day, seem to be heard about, known about, and this cutting is 'fairly new' and 'coming out of the closet’
because we are only now just hearing about it (news, TV, Internet, newspaper articles). It seems to be a hush hush thing that no one wants to talk
about, even parents. It is similar to how no body talked about anorexia and bulimia.
There is a shock factor to self-injury. The shock factor comes in when you literally see the cuts and burns. Think about it: socially drinking is
accepted.....and we hear about anorexia and bulimia.....drug abuse.....gambling....., but cutting is a separate entity that we were not familiar with.
There is a definite stigma attached to this, that people think "if anyone else God forbid found out". It still amazes me to this day, that now having 29
years in a 12-step program, that there is still a 'stigma' attached to alcoholism. In my opinion, people do not want to understand or accept the
disease of alcoholism. So, with that said, how in the world can we expect society to understand this new unveiling problem of a loved one causing
self-inflicted injuries on him/herself?
It is embarrassing, for us and to other people. We as parents think we have done something wrong and much to my amazement years later I
found out about the true underlying problems inside of Vicki. I guess what I am trying to stress to you is that there usually IS an underlying problem
causing your son or daughter to react to their internal pain. This is where you start looking for help for yourself and your son/daughter. Cutting and
burning (or whatever other self-inflicted pain they may do) is not something they are choosing to do, even though it seems like it, but in fact their
internal pain is caused by something else.
To be totally honest with you, there are no easy answers to helping your son or daughter through this. Although I don't have '10 easy steps to cure
your child', I can share my feelings and give you some suggestions of what I did:
1) Love your child.
Love him/her no matter what! This doesn't mean you are approving of their behavior, but just continue to love them and let them know you love and
care for them.
2) Always be there for your child day or night.
As exhausting, repetitious, heart-breaking, and exasperating as it can be, just be there for him/her! Be ready to listen.....LISTEN, not offer advice or
talk, but to really LISTEN to what they have to say.
3) Go for Counseling.
Get into therapy or counseling for yourself, to help you understand and deal with this, and as time goes on, get into family counseling.
4) Let Go and let God.
Let go of the situation...and pray! Praying works!
It is a long story, but my daughter is 100% better and living an amazing life now. She got through all of her issues and is a totally different person
than she was before. Parents, hang in there and don't give up! There IS hope, it does get better eventually.
My best wishes to you all,
Vicki's Mom, Anna
| Rest forever in Peace Anna Lauria Frusco Mother - Sister - Aunt - Friend September 6, 1946 to January 5, 2005 |
EndAllThePain.com
Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury
Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury
| The official website for Vicki F. Duffy Author - Inspiring Speaker - Advocate |
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